… take back control.
At some point in your career, you will encounter uncivil situations at work.
Your colleague knowingly takes credit for your work. Your boss berates you and actively blocks your next career move. Your colleague interrupts you in a meeting or checks their email during your presentation.
No matter how others disrespect you, your response to these uncivil situations is what counts.
To preserve the peace, most people let it go and respond with silence. This may work in the short-term but if the issue persists, silence often shifts to violence in the form of passive-aggressive behavior, disengagement or in some cases, real violence.
To be take back control of a situation that seems out of your control, consider the 5 C’s:
Clarity
Get a clear and accurate picture of what is actually happening. What assumptions are you making about the situation and the other person’s behavior?
What you might perceive as being unreasonable or unfair may be legitimate and justified from the other person’s point of view.
For example, if your co-worker jumps in during your presentation at work. You may perceive that action as taking credit for your work while your colleague thought she was jumping in to help you out because you seemed to be struggling.
The best way to challenge your assumptions is to ask the other person why they did what they did. It’s important to keep a neutral tone when you ask as opposed to using an accusatory one. To help you stay neutral, give the other person the benefit of the doubt first.
Contribution
Many times, other people’s actions are a response to your actions.
Look closely at your actions and see if they might be misperceived. A good question to ask yourself,
“Why would a rational, good person do
You may be coming on too strong and people feel threatened. Perhaps they viewed your skip-level meeting as undermining their authority. Maybe since you didn’t say anything when they jumped in on your presentation, they thought you were fine with it.
Remember that your intentions rarely matter. What counts is how the other person perceives your actions. Looking at how you contributed to the situation may give you insights to get the outcome you want.
Control
Figure out what is in your control and focus on what you can change.
Often in these situations, it’s easy to focus on changing the other person’s behaviors since they are in the wrong. Unfortunately, there is no way for you to do that. What you can change is your actions and the environment. By changing these aspects, it may influence how the other person behaves towards you.
American Theologian, Reinhold Niebuhr, says it best with his Serenity prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
Choose Action
Based on how you’re contributing to the situation and what you can control, choose the action that will help you move forward productively.
You may decide to:
- Engage the other person in a candid conversation to express your perspective
- Do nothing because after changing how you interpret the action, it no longer bothers you
- Leave your job because the situation will not change or you don’t want to put in the energy to do so
The key is that YOU are choosing your action. You’re responding as opposed to reacting.
Confidence
People give you what you tolerate.
To more readily stand up for yourself, boost your confidence and the value you add to your firm. When others recognize your value, your influence is enhanced within the firm and you don’t have to put up with something you deem to be unfair. If the situation doesn’t get better, you know you can leave and have plenty of opportunities.
Two good ways to boost your confidence is to gain mastery in your field and build strong internal and external networks. When you’re good at your job, your firm will want to keep you happy. When you have a strong network, you’ll have others looking out for you.
In the ideal world, we can just focus on doing great work without being distracted, disrespected or demotivated by others. Unfortunately, as long as we work with other humans, conflict and misunderstanding will happen. To continue your success, fine tune your skills to deal with and remain in control of these situations.
The next time you feel bullied at work, keep these general principles in mind:
- Give others the benefit of the doubt to help manage your emotional response
- They are doing the best they can with what they know
- No one can read your mind so communicate
- Communication is two-way so lead with listening
- Own the situation by taking both responsibility and action
- Respond don’t react
Photo by Rhys Asplundh
