For many of us, we strive to be better today than we were yesterday.
To achieve that, you need to know where you stand by getting quality feedback. Although it’s common practice to ask other people for their perspective on us because we fear our blind spots and propensity for self-delusion, it’s not always convenient or helpful to do so. Depending on who you ask, it can be uncomfortable and highly unproductive.
Other thoughts that may cross your mind when you ask someone else to judge you:
How do I know if they are telling me the truth?
Are they credible enough to give me feedback?
What if they are misinterpreting my actions?
Is there a hidden agenda for the feedback they are giving me?
What if they are just jealous?
What if I don’t want to change?
One way to reap the benefits of feedback without all of this hassle is to give feedback to yourself. You can do it at any time and it helps to heighten self-awareness. Also, you’re more inclined to buy into any changes you want to make.
So how do you give yourself feedback?
You observe others and yourself and analyze what you see.
Here are a few effective ways from Marshall Goldsmith’s popular book, What Got You Here Won’t Get You There, that helped me:
Pay attention to other people’s reaction to you
Instead of asking people to give you feedback directly, pay close attention to what they say and how they act around you.
One great way to collect feedback about yourself is to jot down every casual comment others make about you. Once you have a long list of remarks, assess whether each remark is positive or negative. This will give you a sense of people’s general impression about you. The goal is to increase your ratio of positive to negative remarks.
Once you’ve collected enough of what people are saying about you, start observing how they react around you. It becomes easier to do this if you hone in on their non-verbal communication. The key is to note any differences in how to react to you versus how they react to others in general. Do they smile when they talk to everyone else but roll their eyes when they interact with you? Actions speak louder than words but only if you’re paying attention.
Try this method both at home and in the office. It works especially well during group meetings where people are not aware that you are observing them. You’ll be surprised how much you’ll learn just by arriving early at a meeting and observing where people sit, who they talk to and what physical manner they adopt during these interactions.
Monitor what you say and do
What you say and do is telling of who you are. If you want to learn more about yourself, start by observing your words.
What are you saying to other people? What is the ratio of self-aggrandizing remarks to self-deprecating remarks? What are you really saying about yourself when you make them?
If you’re like most people, you compensate – what you brag about is usually what you’re weakest at and what you’re humble about, usually reveals your strengths. By being aware of your strengths and weaknesses, you can decide what and how to improve. You can also work on becoming less self-conscious about both.
After you consider what your speech reveals about you, take a look at your actions. How do you act around your boss, co-workers, friends, family, relatives and strangers? What differences do you see when it comes to different groups and certain individuals? There is a good chance your flaws at work will show themselves at home and vice versa.
Pick one thing you know you can improve
Whether you’re observing yourself or others, take time to analyze what you see. During your analysis, be careful not to generalize behaviors. One person may act friendly towards you but it doesn’t mean they like you if they act even friendlier to everyone else.
Also, as you pore over this fresh set of insights about yourself, compare it to your own self-image. Would the person you aspire to be talk and act in such a way? If not, what do you need to change?
When it comes to changing your life and sustaining that change, remember two things:
- People change ONLY if they believe it’ll be helpful to them.
- The most productive way to implement change is to tackle one behavior at a time.
So as you start to draw conclusions and find a few things to work on, I recommend that you pick ONE specific thing to improve. Once you decide what you want to work on, take a few minutes to write one benefit to you and one benefit to the world when you successfully make this change.
For those of you who would like help pulling it all together, here is a 6-week regimen that you can follow:
- Week 1 – Make a list of what people are saying about you and categorize them as either positive or negative. Note anything that comes up often.
- Week 2 – Pay special focus to other people’s body language towards you. Watch for any differences in their behavior depending on what you do and say. Also, contrast it with their manner towards other people.
- Week 3 – Monitor what you are saying to others about yourself. Observe the way you introduce yourself, respond to questions and deal with compliments.
- Week 4 – Look closely at how you treat other people. Find trends in your behavior and think about what those patterns say about you as a person.
- Week 5 (BONUS) – Listen to what you tell yourself. When you do well, what do you say? When you fail, what comments do you hear internally? You’re probably your own worst critic.
- Week 6 – Review all the information you’ve gathered about yourself from the last five weeks. Identify three aspects of yourself that you want to change. From those three, choose one that will have the most positive impact on your life and create a plan to make that change.
Giving yourself feedback might feel strange at first but armed with some concrete observations, it is a powerful technique for personal mastery. Good luck!
(originally posted on the Embrace Possibility Blog)
